October 8th Results

Pathetic.

Overwhelmed.

Completely unmotivated.

There's a few descriptions of how I feel about poker right now. I hate this game. Nothing I do is working out right now. I'm down $1,700 on full tilt and $1,200 on stars since October 1st (and I'm down a shitload more than that since Sept 1st and Aug 1st).

Yesterday I even dropped down my volume a little. It felt really good actually. I got back to basics by only running one 45-man at a time on full tilt while running the stars schedule. I wanted to make sure I'm not over-thinking my situations and outplaying myself due to my frustration towards the game right now.

I felt like I played really really well and made excellent decisions. But as per usual I got fucking raped in every key spot. I played several non-turbo $22/180-mans on stars and went deep in virtually every single one only to get fucked near the end.

Zero cashes on the day except the stupid $3r on stars. I was on uber-batshit-monkey tilt by the end of my session. All logic went out the fucking window.

What a fucking joke this game is. It's unreal how disgusted I am with it right now.

I sit in this room with my comfortable-as-fuck chair and kick-ass poker set up and play tourney after tourney for hours on end getting killed day after day while my friend/roommate (who I'm teaching to play part-time) decides to fire up one single 45-man last night and finishes 2nd like it was nothing.

It's like fucking child's play to win in this game WHEN YOU CAN WIN. It's fucking trivial.

Here I am crying like a fucking baby again "I can't win, I can't win, I can't win, wah wah wah wah wah wah".

I don't know what to do right now. I really really really really don't want to play today but I know that isn't the answer. I have to fight through this.

But I know that as soon as I take my first retarded beat by some retarded monkeyfish or run my KK into AA I'm gonna lose my fucking mind. All the anger and frustration of the last two months will flood into my conscience and tear me to shreds emotionally.

fdnhk;jdfhgibn dvklnbldkfnhbklfdn blkmdfanbkldfangbknfdkb'lnfdkblndfaklbndfalkbnaflkgbhnfdkbn fdmbnafkdlngrehgklfnblkdfnblkdfnb'lkfdnblkdfngblathnbklvn blkdfangbkfhgibnfldkbnfdlkabnldfknb'kdafnblkdafnbkfdanblk'adfhgokfnblfn blkdfnlkghjkgnjlkbnfklbnlfkdanb'kfngbenhrgihjyterignkldfnblkdfanblk'fango

irehjgioerhjgiehnjab'lknadfbklnfd'klgbjfdgdfhgffkhglkfdhg

Just fucking sigh.

My confidence is for absolute shit right now. I literally feel like I'll never win again. My bankrolls are bleeding out on both sites.

I don't know what else to do but to get back to basics. Its either that or quit.

I mean, I know I set out to play this specific October Schedule but I'm far too overwhelmed right now to carry it on. I'm trying really hard to stay positive through this but it's tough.

So I don't know what to do today. I'm definitely not running high variance MTTs. I'd rather put a bullet in my abdomen.

It felt pretty good yesterday having only a few tables open at a time and concentrating on just those. I think maybe I'll just run a couple 45-mans on full tilt and a couple non-turbo 180-mans on stars for a while today.

I need to make sure I'm still making optimal decisions with all this chaos going on in my mind.

Some comments I've been getting have definitely been awesome and I wanna say thanks for them. I hope they keep coming.

Well that's it. I'm done bitching for now.

On Sunday I'm going to see Bill Maher in Detroit and that should definitely lift my spirits. Maybe if I can have a non-overwhelming session today and tomorrow then take Sunday off I can have a clean mental slate on Monday?

Maybe. Who knows.

GL to me and GL to you.