But I'll get to that in a bit.
Bear with me here...
October is almost here.
It's a month.
It's a whole month.
But it's not just any month.
It's the month where I put in some serious volume, by my standards.
It's the month where I'm gonna make some serious cash, by my standards.
How can I be so sure of this?
Well, my results in poker are good when I force myself to play.
I make money in this game when I have the discipline and strength to force myself to load up tourney after tourney after tourney.
I look at other player's stats on Sharkscope or OPR and I find myself getting jealous or asking myself "why am I not making this kind of money"?
This is what I'm talking about:
The obvious thing to notice is that kennl's profit is nearly 7x mine.
The not-so-obvious thing to notice is how similar our average stake and average ROIs are.
This is because we play virtually identical stakes poker, he just plays a shitload more than I do.
It's time I correct this imbalance.
But is it really that simple?
I've been aware of this "volume issue" I have for some time now. I always tell myself I'm gonna get in there and play play play play. I start out with a bang but quickly burn out.
I find myself being edgy and upset during rough sessions. This gets progressively worse until even the thought of playing poker disgusts me and I have to take a day or two off.
Why does this happen to me?
Bankroll management isn't a problem for me.
Spending too much money isn't a problem for me.
Realizing its a long-term game and that short-term results aren't important isn't a problem for me.
Tilt isn't a problem for me.
Understanding variance and its brutality isn't a problem for me.
Controlling my emotions and keeping my thoughts from racing and spinning out of control... this is my problem. Being so upset and not wanting to play poker or see poker or even think about poker is my problem. This keeps me from putting in volume.
I am a winning player and my level of success is directly tied to how much volume I put in.
More volume = more profit for me.
Yet I find myself becoming incredibly upset and angry when I try to become a "volume monster" like kennl.
If I have just one bad day I can become so upset that I start to despise the game. I quickly develop a true hatred for it if things don't soon turn around. It can take days sometimes for me to recover from these intense, self-inflicted emotional wounds.
These negative emotions keep me from getting in there day after day and making the kind of money I should be making.
I realize these emotional problems I have don't stem from poker. But poker certainly has a way of bringing them out and interfering with my potential.
Whats the solution then?
I'm really not sure. I think about this a lot. All I can come up with is simply having a shitload of self-discipline and literally forcing myself to play...
This brings me back to where this post started: The month of October and my need for help.
I want to document the entire month of October. I want to play at least 25 days, 10-hour days minimum. I want to put in more volume in October than I have in any other month.
My profit margin isn't even important. I know I will make money. Money comes with volume and correct decision-making.
Its ironic; most people fail in poker because they have too much desire to play and not enough capacity for correct decision-making.
Correct decision-making isn't my problem. HAVING THE DESIRE AND MOTIVATION TO PLAY EVERYDAY is where I struggle seriously.
So I want to try something new. Instead of continuing to tackle this problem on my own I've decided to reach out to the poker community and ANYONE who is willing to help me.
What am I asking for exactly?
Simple: Words.
My mind is chaotic and has the potential to become incredibly unstable. I have the horrible ability to not give a fuck about anything if I get upset enough. Its not difficult to see how this keeps me from having a solid routine and putting in volume.
So help me please. Just be there every now and then. Comment on my blog every so often. Reach out and relate to me. Find me on a table somewhere and say hi. It doesn't have to be anything special. Just let me know you're there and you're paying attention and that I'm not alone.
I realize a lot of people are going to read this and wonder why I have to "force" myself to play. Hell, most people would love to have my abilities in this game and be able to play poker for a living.
This certainly is a unique problem I have.
But I have no explanation. I have no answers. I am how I am. This blog is a pretty honest capture of my mind and my inner struggles.
This is a journey for me. I'm trying to get my mind in order and be a more productive person and successful poker player.
I know that some people out there will understand what I'm talking about and be willing to help me. Be willing to open up their hearts and minds and offer random words of encouragement to me that will make me want to carry on when I will feel like quitting.
If anything I've said makes sense to you at all then please stick around for the next month. I'll be posting very often and will be looking for a variety of feedback.
For the haters and others who just don't understand, go away. I want this to be a very positive month.
So, what do you say? You wanna make this a fun and interesting month with me?
4 comments:
Hey Adam. I'll check on your blog and give any encouragement I can. Maybe you could do the same for me? I'm no were near as good as you as I'm still struggling to make money. I also get frustrated like you said and will take a day or two off. That is a form of tilt. But it is best to not play when you're tilting. Don't be too hard on yourself. Try to set a schedule that is not going to kill you (10 hours is a lot!)and if you need a day off take it. I know exactly how you feel about other players making more. I get those feelings too. I will see someone who has never read a poker book, hasn't had any training and they have made about a million playing MTTs- and I'm like WTF? I spend tons of time reading, watching videos, reading strategy articles and I've won a whopping 600 or so. It makes me want to say the hell with studying I'm just gonna play however I want, but then I snap out of it. At least your making a nice profit, it could be worse-you could be me...lol
I'll check back.
Hi Adam, I think you don't have to worry too much: you are good, very good. Variance is joking with you actually but you know how variance is: soon she will fall in love with some other grinder and so then you will be back at your standards.
I'm grinding ps as well and when I'll be there for sure I will give a look at your tables just to make you feel less alone.
Gl man and good grinding.
ettorek (ps)
glglgl dude i always look forward to reading your posts. the thing is, if you know how dangerous it can be to play the high volume youre planning on due to emotional issues, maybe you should cut it down a little bit. also, there is no shame in taking a day or two off if thats what it takes to get back on your A game.
best of luck dude, keep us updated!
-Adam
Lets do this, I feel ya bro. I am the same way. Keep us posted, and I'll be checkn back daily.
Joe
from H-town
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